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Sia - German

Back to the Meet the Women of the ALP Sangha

Sia's Bio

I am a part of the women’s group since 3 years and I can say that this and the context we are living in changed my whole life. In fact there are many moments now in my life where I find myself being with the question: is this really MY LIFE?

And I know by know what I always called MY is in fact no longer what I put first. I have a deeper understanding now that my life is not about me anymore.
I came to the womens group and I have to admit that I did not quite grasp the intensity and depth of what this movement involves. It was only two months later that I started to realize what this is all about… I started to realize that what we are doing here together is changing the world by changing ourselves. And this is huge! When I started to look into my conditionings and began to see that there is ever more to see I kind of fell off a cloud of “not wanting to see things in myself” and gained ground on taking responsibility for what I do and for what I put out into this world. I saw that I blamed everything and everyone around me for what is and who I am. Starting with my family I discovered that I am the one making choices to stand where I was standing: in a place of separation.

When I recall the topics of the groups and the intensity of the unity and support that I experienced here I can clearly see that this gave and still gives me all the strength to stand alone in whatever I need to face. What moves me very deeply still is that I can now come together with women and men in a completely different way. As sisters and brothers. And this reflects also very strongly in my family relations. I can be friends with my brothers now for I no longer am the needy sister needing support. I can simply be and let them be. And this brings tears to my eyes as I can see clearly in this how projection and wanting to change other people so that they fit into boxes I created for them is everything but letting them simply be themselves.

I could see that I choose my life to be the way it is and was and what comes out of it is that there is no one to blame anymore. I made me ready to life life more fully and to simply allow myself to be happy.

I fell through many grounds that I thought were solid since I joined the groups and yet I can see how much deep fear and paranoia I learned to let go of. And I am deeply grateful for that. Now I find myself sitting in the groups and being in the holons with an ease that I never could have imagined before. What we create together is shaking the core of my beliefs and images of myself, others and the world ever again. In a very good way
It strengthens my intention to support the best part in me and in all of us.

I have a habit of having song in my mind that naturally fit what I do in almost every moment, so here is one for all of you as it perfectly describes what it is like for me to be with you and what it did to me. I made me a natural woman

“Looking out on the morning rain
I used to feel so uninspired
And when I knew I had to face another day
Lord, it made me feel so tired
Before the day I met you, life was so unkind
But you're the key to my peace of mind
'Cause you make me feel
You make me feel
You make me feel like a natural woman
When my soul was in the lost and found
You came along, to claim it
I didn't know just what was wrong with me
'Til your kiss helped me name it
Now I'm no longer doubtful of what I'm living for”
And it still hits me in my core, this life is now worth living for.

Posts from Sia from the ALP Sangha FB page

 

DIVINE FEMININE \ MASCULINE

 

TEXT 2 - 24 march

 

You leave me defenseless

You break me open

You shake off all the dust

You make me want to surrender more!

Lay myself bare and naked on the ground

To be swallowed whole and complete

Covered in water and blown out by the wind

Dried by the sun and lifted off ground to find home in the trees

Where nothing can touch me

Where I am always save.

This is where I am

With you

Where we all are

And the tree is growing in all directions

Hearts are wide open

We lay it all out

I am all of you

And you are all of me

Within myself

You are all within myself

There is so much arising out of the depths of life.

And I think what is changing fundamentally is the breaking open of mistrust between gender in our shared space. In our collective!

To me what it means personally is the breaking open of the need to hold it all together. And this is such a strong female conditioning. At least in my family over generations this has been what silenced women.

The need to hold it all together for the sake of survival or Family.

The need to protect myself as soon as a man is close. I could understand over time that this was such an automated mechanism… to shut down a part of me to silence myself out of fear and mistrust. Or to give out my anger in defense.

The need to play nice when it is not.

To trust a man means to let go of the idea that our pain as women is our own pain. That there is a victim. And that there is a perpetrator.

It means to give up the fundamental pride of women that the pain is exclusively female.

The female pain body is shared pain. As is the men’s pain. The pain is arising in space of not two!

And to me this is what is starting to break COLLECTIVELY with this unstoppable outflow of vulnerability.

It is as if our shared history really becomes our shared history.

And it leaves me not knowing.

What does it mean to not keep it safe anymore?

What does it mean?

TEXT 2 - 24. February 2016

Tomorrow its been a year since Glen and Me have been married.

A lot happened … we married again ☺, built a house and decided to settle in Portugal. So where do we go from here?

Seems like we now that we are in the states again for some time things started to come up and I was able to see some deep structures in myself that kept us together and apart.

I saw in myself that I justify my existence by being with him.

I saw that I deeply believed that I am only because he is. That there is a part of me that thought I could only extist in relationship to him.

This part is the part that wants security from a man and wants to stay in the very comfortable place of being the dependent woman. Structures started to break over the last couple of months but I didn’t see what it really was… and things are still coming to me more and more everyday.

But I see that I didn’t have an autonomous expression independent from a man.

Even when I was not with him or any other man and thought I was independent there was always a part of me that defined myself in relation to men. To my father.. or my oldest brother… like I was somebodies possession that was now handed to another man.

I saw that this movement has a lot of different expressions.. but as we explored in our holon today one of them was wanting to stay in the predefined roles that women historically have. Going beyond that would mean true autonomy which goes beyond any idea of independence.

I am starting to sense something changing in me and in us since I saw this and since things fall into place more and more.

There has been a place opening up in me in which I can breathe my own air and say my own words.

I am starting to see that a part of me is starting to be liberated that connects to beauty and sensuality.

That wants me to be beautiful not for the sake of attraction but because I AM.

I am wearing make up and I love it.

I threw it out some years ago and now it just feels natural to wear it when I want.

I sense that my expression can only authentically be autonomous when I let go of the idea that a man defines me and my existence is only justified through him.

I feel the invitation to be beautiful and shine and dare to explore what it is that is me ... without having too many ideas about it.

I feel like something is coming to life in me that I hadn’t experienced before.

There is something about a woman’s power when it comes from a liberated place that doesn’t have anything to do with all the ideas about power that I usually hold.

I start to connect to a power that is between us and not separating us. I connect to a different more sensual power. I guess its just power in a not distorted way that both men and women have access to. The power of connection and love.

I am very excited to share this with you all and to be able to explore it more as life unfolds.

Love to all the revolutionaries!!

WHEN I STOP RESISTING MY DEEPEST HEARTS LONGING WHAT DO I HAVE TO SAY?

13. August 2016 ·

I am happy.

Profoundly happy.

And I share it with an honest smile.

I dance through the wild

And run through the woods.

I swim in the clearest water and

I am happy.

I just am

And happiness is.

It wants to burst out and be happy with what I call the “other”

It wants to jump up and down and soften my frown.

I am this explosion of the universe being, always!

Calm or ecstatic.

Silent or wild.

What do I have to say?

I am happiness!

"clap along if you feel like a room without a roof!"

IS ANYTHING MISSING?

6. Juli 2016 ·

Sitting in the pardieros café.. with a lot of people and background noise. A loud car. People talking, all my shoulds and shouldn'ts arising, resistance, irritation, anger, judgements towards people that surround me… that irritate me … “ME” … my mind tells me all these things. If I go into the question “is there anything missing?” I sense an impulse going through my body and I look around. My back is more straight and I am aware of what surrounds me. I talk to the people next to me suddenly resistances are lifting, I connect with them. No judgement, no good or bad, just connection.

If I go in my mind with this question the only thing that comes up is resistance and wanting to analyze the question. “Everybody seems to get it but me” …

I look around again.

What is there that is missing?

Something is expanding the more I am with it.

I embrace what is in this expansion.

I can respond from this place. NO Judgement. And if its there… whatever.. I can still respond.

With all the craziness of the last 3 months, is there anything missing? With all that I want or not want without grasping for a specific outcome… is there anything missing?

There is resistance and there is expansion.

What do I want? Does it matter in the end?

“Nothing is missing” is pointing towards a big mystery. A mystery that is life without expectation, victimization. Its a direction that points but doesn’t limit.

Its a pull that doesn’t have any specific face.

Its life as it unfolds in its depth and ease. I cant hold it, I cant grab it, I cant control it anyway.

All the pain that I dont want to face. All the joy that “I “ want. Can I programm to get it? Can “I” do that??

Nothing is missing is being and not wanting to change anything of my experience.

But what it is in every moment. Can I know? There are so many Ideas that arise.

The art is to just be with “nothing is missing”.

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About the project

The Awakened Life Project is situated in a beautiful and wild ecological reserve in the mountains Central Portugal. We offer volunteer programs, courses, events and retreats to support the liberation of the human spirit in a context of evolutionary emergence and communion with the ecological web of life.

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Quinta da Mizarela
3305-031 Benfeita
Portugal

info@awakenedlifeproject.org
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